


numbed

by Aisu



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Second Person, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, kids trying their best, robot asriel, their best not always being enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 11:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aisu/pseuds/Aisu
Summary: You're a marvel of engineering and magic. You're a miracle come to be through science and love and Determination. You're Asriel, brought back, whole and right again.Inside, you're still an empty flower.Some unhappy post-pacifist thoughts on one way things could start for Asriel.





	numbed

"S-so, uh," Alphys says, her hands shaking on the paper, her voice trembling, and you're so tired of how long she takes to get to the point. To any point. Months of near-daily checkups have left you so, so drained. "We need to run more tests to make sure, because this might be, uh, impossible? So the machinery could be wrong? But..."

"But?" you prompt, tilting your head. Waiting for her to finally finish the sentence.

"It... seems like you have a SOUL again, Asriel," and she smiles as she says it, hesitant. "It... it worked. It's still, uh, forming, a bit, but... It looks like we were r-right that with the right, uh, construction, we could reestablish your connection to your parents."

You stare at your hands for a moment. They're well crafted, covered in faux fur that's as close to the real thing as magic and technology can get. The fingers are a little too long, the pads a little too small. When you flex them, you can feel the servos inside.

Not quite your hands. Not quite his hands.

Finally, though, you look up, and you smile his smile. "Golly, Alphys, that's amazing!" you say, with the soft but happy voice he had. (Artificial undernotes, tinny edges.) "Thank you!"

She smiles back at you, and you nearly roll your eyes when you realize she's tearing up. "I... I'm just glad we could do this for you. You've earned it."

And for a moment, you debate standing up and telling her everything.

Instead, you just keep your smile in place and go to tell Frisk and Chara.

\---

Frisk hugs you for a long, long time when you give them the news. It's familiar. Almost comforting. They're warm against you.

But when you disentangle from them, it's Chara's eyes that meet yours, silently questioning.

You just stare back for a long, long moment before you look away.

\---

0 LV. 0 EXP.

You frown, close your eyes, focus on the spark of determination still in you that lets you know the shape of the world.

The same numbers echo back.

But they can't be telling the truth.

With a soul, without LOVE, how can you still be this?

\---

Every morning, he joins the family at breakfast, asking Frisk and Chara how their morning is, begging mom for more pancakes, laughing at bad jokes or blinking in adorable naive incomprehension.

Every afternoon, he joins Frisk on the living room floor, doodling pictures of anime characters (not the God of Hyperdeath - he says he's grown past that) or sneaking candy between them or whining as Chara and Frisk team up to beat him at board games.

Every evening, he wishes everyone goodnight, and accepts the forehead kiss Toriel gives with a little whine of protest that he's grown up now.

Every night, you lay in his bed and you stare at the ceiling dotted in the stars he wanted to see and you wait for any of it to mean anything.

\---

"When are you going to tell them?" Chara asks one day as you both work on the dishes. They're not looking at you, but you've gotten good at telling them apart from voice alone. Chara's more clipped, more formal.

"Tell them what?" he says, smiling, bright.

"That it didn't work."

You pause, then. Considering. But if there's anyone in the whole world who will understand, it's them, right?

"It did work. Doctor Alphys' tests say it did, right?" You shrug, leaning back against the counter. "There's something in this robot husk. My own brand new shiny soul. Not its fault or mine that it's not connecting to anything up in my head."

"Are you sure that is what happened?" they ask, and you flinch at the lack of contractions. They're more upset than you expected them to be by this. Shouldn't they get it?

After all, they're acting too.

"Does it matter why it's not working?" Another shrug. "It's not. Guess Asriel's gone for good, and it's just me left in here. Little ol' Flowey, just with hands and feet and soft fur to pet." You grin. "You know, there's all sorts of things you can do with a body. Don't you agree, Chara? We could still turn this world upside down together."

"But you will not," Chara says, and they turn to look at you, Frisk's face unreadable.

"...Yeah. I won't."

"So will you tell them?"

"Are you planning to be the one to spoil their happy ending?" You smirk. "Wow. Guess you're still even meaner than me."

They stare at you for a moment, then look back at the dishes.

"What will you do, when they find out?" they ask.

"They won't." You shrug. "Nobody understands me like you, Chara. Nobody knew him but you, not really, not even the Queen and King." You can't say mom and dad. Not now. Those are his names. "And they'll make more friends, and everyone will love them, and eventually I figure I can just slip away. They'll figure they got him all the love and joy and all that junk he needed, and they'll be sad when he goes to see the world, but they won't miss him as long as they think they will."

"And then?"

You hesitate.

"Guess I get to find out if I'm finally ready to be done," you say at last.

They laugh, then, that bitter empty sound that you remember too well.

"I wish I were afforded that luxury," they say.

You give your own weak laugh at that, then hand them another plate.

When they thank him, it's in Frisk's voice again.

\---

Sometimes you wonder why it's different now. When you'd had the souls of the entire Underground in your chest, there had been warmth and compassion and the gentle edges of love. You'd cared. You'd cared so much that it hurt.

But you remember what you tried to do, to keep them by your side.

You remember the bitter anger that had curdled in you as you thought about Chara, after, just before your hands started to give way to vines.

You've always been good at pretending.

You think maybe you even fooled yourself.

\---

They have their arms around you tight, like they do a thousand times a day, and he's hugging back. Holding them close.

"Hey, Asriel?" they say, voice small and muffled a bit by his fur.

"Yeah, Frisk?" he says, rubbing their back.

"You're happy, right?" They look up at you, and their expression -

Pity. Understanding. Love. Compassion.

You recoil from all the things you don't deserve.

He smiles, a second too late.

"Yeah, of course," he says. "Why wouldn't I be, Frisk? I'm here with you, and I'm me again."

They stare for a few more seconds, and you wonder if they've understood at last - and then they go back to hugging him, tight.

You close his eyes and wait for the warmth to stop.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why i do this to myself
> 
> hundreds of resets full of trauma do a lot to a kid


End file.
